Life In Technicolor

Random Tall Guy at Corner Bakery

2011-12-21T18:45:00.001-08:00

I told you it might be happening... And here it is: I've snapped a picture of some random dude. And here i am blogging about it on my iTouch.

This is too much fun to be having on a Wednesday night.

Dude struck me as unacceptably tall.

I saw him stub his toe on two midgets on his way out.

Parenthood

2008-12-07T16:48:00.001-08:00

We parents have a great power, and love using it! It's the power to THROW SHIT AWAY!

This weekend, while my daughter was at her mother's house, I had to prepare for Christmas. And that preperation entailed going through all of her things and disposing of anything she might not miss. Now, had she been with me, she'd have missed it all. But what's a guy supposed to do? Listen to his daughter?

Hahaha! I don't think so.

I remember as a child, holding on to everything. And my daughter is no different. I've met children who are willing to give away all of their posessions if confronted properly:

"Little Joey, did you know that there are kids out there who have less than you?"
"There are?"
"Yes, my child. They don't even have a Playstation 3!!!"
"Oh no! Doesn't Santa Clause love them?"
"Not as much as he loves you, that's for sure."

Wait no, that might not work. Let's try it again...

"Little Joey, I love you."
"I love you too, Daddy!"
"But I'm sad."
"Why are you sad, daddy?"
"Because there are kids out there who don't have much."
"What do you mean? Explain it to me, Daddy. I want to make you happy."
"Well, some kids have no food and no milk to drink. At night, blood boils out from their eyes and their poop comes out like hot lava."
"Wow, that is sad, daddy."
"Yeah. What's worse though is they don't have any toys."
[Child starts crying.]
"What do you think we should do about this, Little Joey?"
"Let's give away everything I own."
"Okay."

No seriously, I've seen it!

Not my daughter though. No, she is happy to give away broken shit, but forget the rest! And in a way, I envy her. I wish I was that posessive of my property.

I mean, she can be forced. I can do it like the dad in my example did, and I'm sure she would be happy to give it away, but it has to be that strong of a request in order to get her to let things go.

And I've tried making her a part of giving her old things away, but it's so difficult and filled with tears!

So instead I wait until she is gone and then I bag it all up and lie through my teeth if she asks me where something has gone.

And all is well and good in the world.

Honestly, I never know how much parents hated toys. I despise them. I wish they would all go away. No, not all. Only the ones with small parts or the ones I personally don't like playing with.

But I put up with them for my baby girl. And I buy her more every year.

It's the circle of life: buy them, and then when they aren't looking, throw them out.

And all is well and good in the world.

Not to Alarm You, But...

2008-11-26T15:50:00.001-08:00

I have a coworker who's husband works with homeland security. At times, he has been the pretend terrorist, suitcase loaded up with bombs and trying to get through security. He's done this four or five times, as he is an "unknown face," and guess how many times he was caught: once. No, I'm serious. The one time he was caught, he had a gun strapped to him. And while they caught it, they didn't handle it well at all. It was a little old man who patted him down.

"Sir, what is that?"
Her hubby said, "Nothing."
The guy caught it and nervously called security while he just stood there. Had it been a real gun, and someone who wanted to take people down with him, how much could have happened while they waited around for other officers?

She told me one story about a time he passed through security with a fully assembled bomb... but the security guard DID stop him. She made him throw out his bottle of water. Thank God for that!!

The good news is she says they do these practice runs so that they'll get better. The bad news is that after all this time they still need a LOT of practice.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

2008-11-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

Per the request of a coworker, I am now listening to A Charlie Brown Christmas. The bright, seasonal piano-playing instantly places me in a giant, overcrowded shopping mall full of grumpy, sweaty souls. There are bags in my hands weighing me down and cutting into my hands. I am looking at oversized Christmas ornaments cabled to the ceiling and I find myself wondering who in the world makes these things? Do they turn a profit? Is it just one company? And what do they do in the off season? Do they have after-Christmas sales, like the malls do?

I am on the second floor. Below me I see a long line of restless children in red and green sweaters (the boys) and long, stiff looking dresses (the girls). They are running around and the parents are yelling at them to calm down or they're going to ruin their hair. At the front of this line is a funny looking fat man with a white beard--he could be a child molester for all we know, but still the parents pay $20 a pop to have him bounce their children on his lap and promise them expensive toys. There are regular-sized people dressed in green, calling themselves elves, and collecting the money.

I want to turn into a store but it's too crowded. I'll come back another day. The huge sign on the window says there is a big sale going on, but I know they just increased the prices before they lowered them for the sale anyway. I run through the checklist in my head and realize there are still a few people left to buy presents for and I've only got a few days left. Forget it, I think. That's enough time and my legs are starting to get so tired. I'll worry about it another time. So I leave the mall on my long trek to my car, which is parked by a neighboring car lot. There is a giant heat-wave bouncing off of all the cars in the lot and laugh to myself that this is what Christmas looks like on the west coast.

I glance behind me and realize there are already cars lined up in a trail behind me, waiting for the moment I stop at one of the parking spaces. I don't like the feeling of being followed so I cut between a couple of parked cars and lose my tail. Suddenly I realize I don't actually remember where I parked so I walk through the parking lot pushing the panic button on my key chain, waiting for the familiar honk-honk-honk that will be my salvation and get me the hell out of there. And meanwhile these FUCKING bags are still digging into my hands! Maybe I can just stop for a second and put them down... but I've already gathered another line of cars behind me. No, I'll just keep going.

Eventually though, I do find what I'm looking for. I walk toward the honking and pop the trunk when I am within range. I put the bags down finally and suck the blood from my palms. I shut the trunk and take a deep breath. Somewhere mixed in with the smell of cancerous fumes and melting asphalt, I detect pine. There must be a tree lot open near me. Do I have the extra $60 for a Charlie Brown Christmas tree? No, I forgot. I went fake a long time ago to save that extra expense.

As I drive away, I turn up the radio to drown out the honking horns and yelling from frustrated wannabe shoppers. It's a Charlie Brown Christmas blares at me through the speakers. Somehow Charlie has been with me this whole time... I smile... or is it a grimace?

Ah Christmas... may the traditions begin!

A New Old Man

2008-11-15T13:27:00.000-08:00

I'll never be a famous rock star. It's taken me three decades to accept that fact. Somehow the fact that I have no rythem, no talent with any musical instrument, can't sing, and couldn't write a song to save my life, wasn't enough to convince me until recently.

But then I turned 30 and now I'm smart. Phew! Thank God my 20's are over because now, all of a sudden I am grown up and maturer. BAM! Just like that, overnight!

Ahhhhh! I wish you could have heard my fart just now. It was a juicy one! Consider all of the plants in the room freshly fertilized!

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, maturity... my divorce was official on November 2nd, too, so ladies, if you're looking for a winner, I'm your guy! I just have to let my parents know I won't be home tonight, maybe borrow a few bucks...

Yeah.

So I'm going out drinking this weekend to celebrate and camping next weekend to celebrate some more. And some time after that I'm going to have to figure out how to be 30. I'll let you know how it goes.

Real Life Doesn't Allow for Time Outs! (Or is It Times Out???)

2008-11-13T13:55:00.000-08:00

I'm still here. Just busy. We celebrated my daughter's 5th birthday on Tuesday and my 30th on Wednesday. Work has had me swamped, and now that I'm not smoking anymore, you would THINK I had more free time! When work is said and done, I just haven't had the time or energy to update you, my beloved blog. But I think about you all the time. I amuse myself dreaming of new ways to update you and make you laugh the sweet little way you do. I write your name all over my notebook, followed of course by my last name. You have become Life in Reynolds... and then Life In Technicolor-Reynolds, because I know that you are a modern-thinking blog and may not appreciate the thought of dropping your family name. I won't make you do anything you don't want to, little bloggy. Just don't leave me. Please!

Ouch x 10!!!

2008-11-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

My kidneys suck! They keep making stones. And, trust me, kidney stones HURT!

I've actually had my fair share. The first was years ago. It was a dull pain in my lower left back that lasted a few days. I began vomiting like crazy and the pain got much worse before I finally went to the ER. I passed that one without much to-do--it was a tiny little rock, not much larger than your typical grain of sand.

I had another one the day I interviewed for my current job. It lasted a couple days and I never felt it come out. It wasn't bad enough to send me to the doctor and SOMEHOW I was able to ignore the pain long enough to get hired.

A couple months ago I had another. This one hurt BAD. Some friends drove me to the ER. I was lucky that the major pain didn't last long. It was preceded and followed by pain my left nut, though, which I wouldn't wish on... well... most people.

That one never passed. I got some sand, but I knew it wasn't gone. It was a lot easier to just forget, though, when nothing was passing. I got sick of using a strainer on my stream of pee each time. I was supposed to go back to the doctor, but decided not to. I had nothing to show! I never caught the stone, and the pain had long passed. Sure, I needed a CT Scan, but it was easier to think the little bit of sand was the whole thing broken up,

I knew I was being stupid.

On Monday that old familiar pain in my left nut showed up again. I recognized it immediately. After it didn't go away over the next couple hours, I decided to go to the doctor. Everyone always tells you to go to the doctor... but for what? They handed me some Vicodin and wished me luck. Gee thanks.

Later that night, Vicodin may as well have been Pop Rocks because the pain hit hard and nothing could stop it!

I went to the ER, got my heavy-duty pain meds, my CT Scan, and more prescriptions. They sent me home and I've been in bed since, writhing in pain and puking into bowls and bags and toilets. Ug.

I'm back to straining my pee, of course, and when it finally does come out (I'm told it's 3 millimeters, which isn't exactly huge), I have to bring it in so they can tell me what to stop eating.

Let me just say this for the record: kidney stones hurt. They hurt bad. People will tell you that it's the closest pain a man can have to having children, but I think that's only said because of the idea of pushing something large through a small hole. My guess is the pain doesn't compare. They are two entirely different parts, not similar at all. So how could the pain be?

When I speak to women who have had it though, they don't compare it to child birth. It just hurts. It hurts bad.

And if you look it up, you will usually find statements written by men and women alike who say something like what my Kaiser Permanente Healthwise Handbook states: As long as they stay in the kidneys, kidney stones usually cause no problems. But if a stone moves into the ureter, which is the tube that leads to the bladder, it may block the flow of urine and cause severe pain. In fact, it may be the worst pain you have ever had.

Again I say: gee, thanks!

Well I'm going to attempt going in to work tomorrow. The reason is twofold: I need to get to work so I can help some people who are pretty much relying on the fact that I'm there every day, and I need to start adding to my next paycheck.

It's My Party!

2008-11-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

Many moons ago, and for many, MANY more moons, I detested parties. As a child, I always felt that the party would have been better for everyone, had I not been there. I felt this way because of my social anxiety. It caused me to freeze up and shut down, and then people would feel sorry for me and have to work on getting me to enjoy myself. So actually, I was right! The parties really would have been more fun for all had I not attended!

Then I grew up and discovered alcohol.

My new take on parties was that they sucked, and I needed someone I was comfortable with to dedicate their attention to me, but that I could handle them with a drink in hand. My social anxieties decreased with the consumption of booze, and I found that, while I could not enjoy myself, I could attend without feeling like I was ruining the good time for everybody. It was, however, not that I actually IMPROVED the parties, either. I was still mostly quiet, but fit in well enough.

Then I de-evolved into a sophomoric idiot and discovered large quantities of alcohol.

Parties kicked ass because there was always beer and often hard liquor. With jegger bombs, I could conquer the world. I could perform stupid feats and make everyone laugh. I could feel confident and sexy (yes, of course you're sexy, David!) and worry free. Sure, I lost the occasional friend due to my increased libido and VASTLY increased indiscretion, but it was a small price to pay. Because most people thought it was humorous and besides, dammit, it was fun!

Then I grew up a LITTLE bit and discovered moderation... kind of.

And this is where it's at for me now. I'm still not a "party person." My idea of a good time is hanging out with a small group of friends over some beers and playing some sort of game, camping, or doing an activity of various kinds. Or having sex. That's fun, too, but much more difficult to try to convince people to do with you. These days, though, I don't go to parties to improve or detract from the meter-o-fun, but to partake in a good time. Yes, I drink. And yes, I am at times, THAT GUY hitting on all the ladies with absolutely no intention of getting anywhere (My success rate vastly improved when I decided I didn't care to impress the ladies anymore--which is to say I'm very successful in NOT impressing them!).

So I partake and I enjoy, and I feel that I do bring something to the party. I still need someone who is close to me in order to enjoy myself. I am not someone who can just assume he will make friends, but I DO make friends when I go out, and 9 out of 10 times, I thoroughly enjoy myself.

So see? I've grown up. And I'm proud to say that it didn't involve leaving alcohol behind or making sure I stop acting like an ass. Apparently you CAN have your cake and eat it too... but then, why the fuck couldn't you?

That's a stupid saying. That's an altogether different blog though.

What I'm Reading Now:
Oil, by Sinclair Lewis

Review: Music: Una Dia, by Juana Molina

2008-10-21T20:00:00.001-07:00

Picture Tina Fey turned tortured artist.

Hard to do? Juana Molina is a former popular Argentinian comedienne, and it's a similar story. As anyone in comedy who wants to be taken seriously, it wasn't an easy transition for her, either. Twelve years later, however, she has more fame WORLDWIDE than ever before.

I recently discovered Un Dia on Juana Molina's website, where you can listen to the whole album for free. I found it through a Radiohead fansite (surprise!), and instantly fell in love. Since listening, I discovered the thing about her being a comedian, as well as the fact that this is her fifth album. I have a lot of catching up to do!

So what is the music like? It's quite rhythmic, full of loops and cool sounds. At times it is dark, but better described as "moody." It is haunting and playful at the same time--somehow through just listening to it, you can tell the person who wrote it has a clever, active mind. Someone like her probably has some interesting things to say about life and art.

Of course, there is a problem with all that stuff about her being interesting and clever... I can't understand a word of what she's saying so all that is left to my imagination. See, it's all in Spanish!

I have tried to find translated lyrics on the Internet, but have not had any luck. Luckily I know some Spanish speakers. A friend of mine partially translated the title track for me, and it is as I imagined... well, the parts that make sense anyway...

One day I will become a different person
I will do things I haven’t done before
I’m not going to care what others say
I’m not going to care if (something about results)
I’m going to travel
I’m going to dance…dance…dance
I want to dance
I’m going to live in the center of a field
And in the morning (something about waking up)
To order it’s going to cost me
I’m going to enjoy it, when it happens
One day I will do everything different
I’m going to fix the back windows
I’m going to sing songs with no lyrics
And each one can imagine for themselves
If it's about love, disappointment, banalities, or about Plato.
If I talk about voices or color
If I talk about music or (something about passion)

Un Dia is one of those collections of music where you find it impossible to catch everything that is going on. It puts you into a kind of melodic trance. I find that when I listen to it loud, I go back and forth between deep, enlightened thought and absolute nothingness, as though my mind is a pendulum swinging across barriers of thought... I guess I shouldn't listen to it at work or while driving...

You should decide for yourself and give it a listen, since it's free. If it's possible, I recommend playing it LOUD.

Released: October, 2008
Length: 50 mins.
Best: Track 1 Un Dia, Track 2 Vive Solo, and Track 8 Dar (Que Dificil)

Political Blog

2008-10-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah, blah blah blah!

Blah blah blah George W. Bush. Blah blah! Blah... blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah.

Blah blah blah blah Obama blah McCain blah blah. Blah blah blah! Blah Palin blah that other guy blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah; blah blah blah; blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. Blah, blah blah blah Bush, blah blah blah the Kennedy's. BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Blah blah blah economy... blah blah blah government... blah blah blah abortion... blah blah blah education system... blah blah blah oil prices... blah blah blah scandals... blah blah blah China... blah blah blah the rich get richer... blah blah blah Iraq... blah blah blah first black man for president... blah blah blah Joe the Plumber... blah blah blah housing market... blah blah blah teen pregnancy... blah blah blah homosexuality... blah blah blah November 4th!

My Thought for the Day:

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. Blah BLAH!

The World Is My Scrabble Board!

2008-10-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to see my life as a giant game of Scrabble. I love that game, and I'm good at it--better than most, not as good as some, and pathetic compared to others... but we'll focus on the positive, shall we?

In Scrabble, it's not all about fancy words and an impressive vocabulary--sometimes all it takes is ingenuity and an ability not to overlook the obvious. In most cases, a simple three letter word like zoo will beat a prettier word like lambent or fusty or supercilious or even synechdocheany any old day of the week, because it's easier to place and you can use it to make additional points that some other schlub might not have considered.

You can make more than one word in a turn.

You can often use the colored spaces on the board to double and even triple your score.

Sometimes all it takes is one little S to change the outcome of a game.

You can invent words and spellings and hope no one catches you.

You can even drive your opponents crazy by memorizing crazy letter combinations that don't look like words at all, but that you know for a fact, are.

I have a personal rule in Scrabble: never settle for a score under two digits long.

And so I say again I am trying to play my life like a game of Scrabble. I I try to make every one of my moves accomplish more than one thing at a time. I am looking for questions in need of simple answers that only I have. And I am TRYING not to make any moves that are not valuable to my outcome in life.

That one's a little bit harder.

*Side note: I may have exaggerated on the value of a word like "synechdocheany." It suited my purpose at the time, however, and that's kind of the moral of the story, isn't it?

A Trial Run

2008-10-15T09:11:00.001-07:00

Okay... it's been about a year since I really blogged on this thing and I think I'm good to go now. I apologize for the long delay. The time that passed has brought me a lot of rest, healing, life-lessons, and body fat.

Mmm. Food. The last time I typed on this thing I was 125 lbs. Here I am 50 lbs heavier and feeling great!

November 2nd, by the way, is the day I am officially divorced. Of course, that is legally speaking. We've been apart for a long while now, already divorced in our hearts. We get along pretty well now for people with our issues, and I expect it to stay that way. There will, of course, be occasional issues, but still, it's healthy. That's good.

But I didn't come here to give you an update on things. I came to have fun writing again. So I'm just going to share a couple "cutsies" with my daughter this morning and then head out on my way. I expect to be back, and frequently, but I can only know for sure by watching it happen. Let's watch together, shall we?

This morning my daughter and I scared the hell out of each other! See, we have a schedule pattern that we like to stick to: every other day she is allowed to sleep in my room (on a blanket on my floor) after listening to whatever CD is in her radio 3 times. That gives me some time to read and watch TV or whatever. Usually she falls asleep and doesn't come in until about 2am or later.

On the other nights, she must stay in her room until I wake her up in the morning to tell her she can watch TV if she likes. That happens at 5:15 every morning and, as you may have figured out if you work for a living, it's still dark then.

Last night she was permitted to sleep in my room. At 5:15, however, she wasn't there. She slept through the night accidentally. I got out of bed to wake her up and walked to her room. When I opened her door, there she was, a tiny, white ghost-like creature walking at me in the darkness. She screamed when she saw me. And then I screamed.

The timing was just right, you see. She woke up and figured that enough time had likely passed for her to sleep in my room. She had no idea it was time to get up, just as I had no idea she was already up. Boy was I awake after that!

Later this morning I made fun of her Grammie for who-knows-what and my daughter decided to teach me a lesson by punching me in the leg. I was making her lunch at the time. She punched me four times. On the fifth time I saw her coming at me, I quickly dodged. Trouble was she wasn't coming in for a punch, but a hug... and she fell flat on her face!

She cried, I laughed. She asked me to stop I told her I'm sorry but it's funny. She said it's not. I said it was a little. She said it's not. I agreed that it was not. I kept laughing. She kept crying.

Hahaha! Oh, kids!

(See you soon!)

What I'm Reading Now:
Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut