Random Tall Guy at Corner Bakery I told you it might be happening... And here it is: I've snapped a picture of some random dude. And here i am blogging about it on my iTouch.

This is too much fun to be having on a Wednesday night.

Dude struck me as unacceptably tall.

I saw him stub his toe on two midgets on his way out.  ¶ 6:45 PM 0 Comments

  Parenthood We parents have a great power, and love using it! It's the power to THROW SHIT AWAY!

This weekend, while my daughter was at her mother's house, I had to prepare for Christmas. And that preperation entailed going through all of her things and disposing of anything she might not miss. Now, had she been with me, she'd have missed it all. But what's a guy supposed to do? Listen to his daughter?

Hahaha! I don't think so.

I remember as a child, holding on to everything. And my daughter is no different. I've met children who are willing to give away all of their posessions if confronted properly:

"Little Joey, did you know that there are kids out there who have less than you?"
"There are?"
"Yes, my child. They don't even have a Playstation 3!!!"
"Oh no! Doesn't Santa Clause love them?"
"Not as much as he loves you, that's for sure."

Wait no, that might not work. Let's try it again...

"Little Joey, I love you."
"I love you too, Daddy!"
"But I'm sad."
"Why are you sad, daddy?"
"Because there are kids out there who don't have much."
"What do you mean? Explain it to me, Daddy. I want to make you happy."
"Well, some kids have no food and no milk to drink. At night, blood boils out from their eyes and their poop comes out like hot lava."
"Wow, that is sad, daddy."
"Yeah. What's worse though is they don't have any toys."
[Child starts crying.]
"What do you think we should do about this, Little Joey?"
"Let's give away everything I own."
"Okay."

No seriously, I've seen it!

Not my daughter though. No, she is happy to give away broken shit, but forget the rest! And in a way, I envy her. I wish I was that posessive of my property.

I mean, she can be forced. I can do it like the dad in my example did, and I'm sure she would be happy to give it away, but it has to be that strong of a request in order to get her to let things go.

And I've tried making her a part of giving her old things away, but it's so difficult and filled with tears!

So instead I wait until she is gone and then I bag it all up and lie through my teeth if she asks me where something has gone.

And all is well and good in the world.

Honestly, I never know how much parents hated toys. I despise them. I wish they would all go away. No, not all. Only the ones with small parts or the ones I personally don't like playing with.

But I put up with them for my baby girl. And I buy her more every year.

It's the circle of life: buy them, and then when they aren't looking, throw them out.

And all is well and good in the world.  ¶ 4:48 PM 0 Comments

  Not to Alarm You, But... I have a coworker who's husband works with homeland security. At times, he has been the pretend terrorist, suitcase loaded up with bombs and trying to get through security. He's done this four or five times, as he is an "unknown face," and guess how many times he was caught: once. No, I'm serious. The one time he was caught, he had a gun strapped to him. And while they caught it, they didn't handle it well at all. It was a little old man who patted him down.

"Sir, what is that?"
Her hubby said, "Nothing."
The guy caught it and nervously called security while he just stood there. Had it been a real gun, and someone who wanted to take people down with him, how much could have happened while they waited around for other officers?

She told me one story about a time he passed through security with a fully assembled bomb... but the security guard DID stop him. She made him throw out his bottle of water. Thank God for that!!

The good news is she says they do these practice runs so that they'll get better. The bad news is that after all this time they still need a LOT of practice.  ¶ 3:50 PM 0 Comments

  A Charlie Brown Christmas Per the request of a coworker, I am now listening to A Charlie Brown Christmas. The bright, seasonal piano-playing instantly places me in a giant, overcrowded shopping mall full of grumpy, sweaty souls. There are bags in my hands weighing me down and cutting into my hands. I am looking at oversized Christmas ornaments cabled to the ceiling and I find myself wondering who in the world makes these things? Do they turn a profit? Is it just one company? And what do they do in the off season? Do they have after-Christmas sales, like the malls do?

I am on the second floor. Below me I see a long line of restless children in red and green sweaters (the boys) and long, stiff looking dresses (the girls). They are running around and the parents are yelling at them to calm down or they're going to ruin their hair. At the front of this line is a funny looking fat man with a white beard--he could be a child molester for all we know, but still the parents pay $20 a pop to have him bounce their children on his lap and promise them expensive toys. There are regular-sized people dressed in green, calling themselves elves, and collecting the money.

I want to turn into a store but it's too crowded. I'll come back another day. The huge sign on the window says there is a big sale going on, but I know they just increased the prices before they lowered them for the sale anyway. I run through the checklist in my head and realize there are still a few people left to buy presents for and I've only got a few days left. Forget it, I think. That's enough time and my legs are starting to get so tired. I'll worry about it another time. So I leave the mall on my long trek to my car, which is parked by a neighboring car lot. There is a giant heat-wave bouncing off of all the cars in the lot and laugh to myself that this is what Christmas looks like on the west coast.

I glance behind me and realize there are already cars lined up in a trail behind me, waiting for the moment I stop at one of the parking spaces. I don't like the feeling of being followed so I cut between a couple of parked cars and lose my tail. Suddenly I realize I don't actually remember where I parked so I walk through the parking lot pushing the panic button on my key chain, waiting for the familiar honk-honk-honk that will be my salvation and get me the hell out of there. And meanwhile these FUCKING bags are still digging into my hands! Maybe I can just stop for a second and put them down... but I've already gathered another line of cars behind me. No, I'll just keep going.

Eventually though, I do find what I'm looking for. I walk toward the honking and pop the trunk when I am within range. I put the bags down finally and suck the blood from my palms. I shut the trunk and take a deep breath. Somewhere mixed in with the smell of cancerous fumes and melting asphalt, I detect pine. There must be a tree lot open near me. Do I have the extra $60 for a Charlie Brown Christmas tree? No, I forgot. I went fake a long time ago to save that extra expense.

As I drive away, I turn up the radio to drown out the honking horns and yelling from frustrated wannabe shoppers. It's a Charlie Brown Christmas blares at me through the speakers. Somehow Charlie has been with me this whole time... I smile... or is it a grimace?

Ah Christmas... may the traditions begin!  ¶ 9:46 AM 0 Comments

  A New Old Man I'll never be a famous rock star. It's taken me three decades to accept that fact. Somehow the fact that I have no rythem, no talent with any musical instrument, can't sing, and couldn't write a song to save my life, wasn't enough to convince me until recently.

But then I turned 30 and now I'm smart. Phew! Thank God my 20's are over because now, all of a sudden I am grown up and maturer. BAM! Just like that, overnight!

Ahhhhh! I wish you could have heard my fart just now. It was a juicy one! Consider all of the plants in the room freshly fertilized!

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, maturity... my divorce was official on November 2nd, too, so ladies, if you're looking for a winner, I'm your guy! I just have to let my parents know I won't be home tonight, maybe borrow a few bucks...

Yeah.

So I'm going out drinking this weekend to celebrate and camping next weekend to celebrate some more. And some time after that I'm going to have to figure out how to be 30. I'll let you know how it goes.  ¶ 1:27 PM 0 Comments